My Story

Tomorrow, our mission team will be meeting together to do more heart preparation for our trip to El Salvador. Our homework from the previous week was to write out our testimony so that we will be able to share our story with people we meet in El Salvador. I want to share it with you...

"I want to begin by saying that I am a broken man. My life has missed the mark. I understand that Romans 3:23 is true in my life. It says: "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." I have sinned and fall short.

Growing up in a Christian home, I heard about Jesus when I was very young. I heard about the free gift of salvation that comes from him and that it is only through Jesus that we can have a right relationship with God again. I believed and accepted Jesus and was baptized when I was about 8 years old.

But as I ventured into my teen years, I forgot just how much God really loved me. I felt deprived of unconditional love. I couldn't see God's love. At the same time, I also realized more and more my own imperfections.

These feelings of being deprived of love and this awareness of my imperfections drove me to try to be "perfect." I felt like I couldn't be loved unless I was perfect. I first began to try always to please my parents. I tried my best not to express my doubts, disappointments, frustrations, or sadness. I tried to do all of the right things. I tried not to make them angry or cause tension.

It continued in college. I immersed myself into finishing my education to do the "smart" thing. I killed myself with credits. And I allowed my self-worth to rest on my grades and how my professors and friends thought of me. In addition, my relationships were one-way. I gave myself to relationships in order to fill up my self-worth. I had a hard time just being me.

I also developed an intense self-hatred. I hated me for being me. I was discontent. I was continually frustrated that I could never reach my ideals of perfection. Perfection was always shifting and changing and fluctuating.

After finishing up a graduate degree in 2008, God brought me to Bellingham, where my life became surprisingly still and slow. I came to this place where I quit striving. I went through a 12 steps group and God revealed to me the some of the roots of my behaviors.

Jesus quietly whispered what he had been saying all along; his love for me is unconditional and didn't rest on my perfection or imperfection. I just hadn't been listening. In Proverbs 29:25, it says: 'fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.'

Recently, Jesus has been teaching me about trusting Him with my finances, since I know that money and the heart are very related. Jesus is showing me how important it is to give. God has me on giving training wheels. Over 90 days, I've been giving either financially or tangibly at least once a day as a discipline in giving.

Jesus is a giver, no strings attached. And my life is being transformed by this love as I listen to him whisper his great love for me."

Do you know this love? Has it transformed you?